Gender Fuck Thursday

Aw hell, why not. Let’s bring back all of the classics this week. First a few tank tops, then SGALGG and now your friend and mine, gender fuck. It is Thursday, after all. So, let’s just wallow in the loveliness that is ladies looking lovely, with a little (or a lotta) splash of butch. Because, kittens, for real – I could stare at Cate Blanchett in an oversized suit and nothing else forever. For. Ever.

Janelle MonaeNever mind The Great Gatsby, this is The Magnificent Monae.

Laura HarrisSure, Angie Harmon was also on “Women’s Murder Club.” But Jill Laura wore the suits and had The Haircut.

Audrey TautouWhite suit with no shirt...

Ruby Rose...or white suit with no pants...

Catherine Zeta-Jones...or big white shirt with no pants? Decisions, decisions.

Christina HendricksI’m not feeling the haircut or the corduroy jacket. But still, it’s Hendricks in a suit and tie so, come on, how bad can it be?

Deborah Ann Woll

Red hair, glasses, suspenders, loose shirt. Now that, that I’m totally feeling.

Tilda SwintonAnd here I believe Tilda’s hand placement is exactly mirroring my feelings about this outfit.

Juliette BinocheThis picture makes me realize why in France, the only difference between the word for “the kiss” and “to fuck” is a little “le.”

Keeping abreast

Hey, hey. My words. They’re up here. OK, so, yesterday my thought process went like this: “Write many things and then spruce them up with some pretty pictures.” But today, I know better. Today I’m going to stop fighting it and reverse the equation. Why? Because it’s 10 days until Christmas (or if you don’t celebrate Christmas, a nice long weekend). I think we all deserve to turn off our brains a bit. And, as evolution would have it, my theme for today’s post has a habit of turning off brains anyway. I’ll freely admit, I’m not really a breast gal. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’ve nice – no, really nice. But I can usually still make steady eye contact with a lady in spite her really nice rack. Not that I don’t enjoy a peek now and then. There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, it would be a pity to not stare at these. [Though your work might think otherwise, so tastefully – that means no nip – NSFW.]

Scarlett JohanssonSo she is single now. So, you know – hey, girl.

Christina HendricksLike I could leave her off this list. Pshaw.

Anna FrielSize doesn’t matter.

Julianne MooreI can’t say this enough: This woman is FIFTY.

BeyoncéIt’s kind of not fair being both bootylicious and boobylicious.

Anne HathawayAnne is totally laughing at my boobylicious joke.

Dita von TeeseMatching one’s cleavage to one’s jacket is truly a lost art form.

RihannaIf she really was the only girl in the world, that would be a shame because we wouldn’t be able to look at her.

Blake LivelyIs it just me, or does that look uncomfortable?

Salma HayekWhen she arrives to vacation on small South Pacific islands the villagers always notice an abrupt change in the tidal patterns which subsist immediately after she leaves once again. They have yet to determine what is causing the additional orbital pull. Ahem.

Lynda Carter/Wonder WomanThe Wonder Boobs were responsible for untold numbers of nascent lesbian experiences.

SGALGG: The Revenge

You know what I like? I like it when women who break up with guys who then immediately start dating women 20 years younger their junior find a way to still show up their exes in spectacular fashion. So when Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen got divorced earlier this year, and then he started to date his 23-year-old “Saturday Night Live” co-star Abby Elliott (he is 43, by the way), I thought, “Bring it, Elisabeth.” Granted, Elisabeth is only 5 years older than Abby, but her ex still managed to trade younger. Well, consider it brought. Besides her continued “Mad Men” success, Elisabeth is set to make her London stage debut next year. Opposite Keira Knightley. Who she falls in love with. In a revival of “The Children’s Hour.” Hmm, getting lesbionic with Keira night after night in front of a live audience? That’ll do it.

So, I could quibble about the play itself. Really, must we revive the lesbian love ends in tragedy and despair thing again? But the casting is amazing and the story while sad is well told. So bully for them. Of course, this role will require research. So let me offer these helpful, Straight Gals Acting Like Gay Gals-y acting tips to Elisabeth to prepare for her West End debut.

Hang out with fake gay ladies.Though you might want to take Joyce up on her offer next time, for practice.

Hang out with real gay ladies.Tell her you like vampires, gay ladies love vampires.

Dress like a gay lady.You know the cop contingent is your favorite float at the Pride Parade.

SGALGG at every opportunity.Erika Christensen looks more than happy to help.

Hey, but no SGALGGing with Tina.Sorry, she’s mine.

Become part of a lesbian ship.Do they have a portmanteau yet?

Become the ham in a very pretty sandwich.That’s the kind of bread you really want to butter.

Add a different kinds of Hamm.I mean, come on, even lesbians like a little Jon Hamm.

Look ridiculously hot.So random women everywhere are forced to go, “DAMN, GIRL.”

When all else fails…

…just keep getting licked.

Never mind the Stanislavski Method, this is the SGALGG Method.

Hit it

Dear Christina Hendricks,

We, the assorted gay ladies of the world, apologize for hitting on you. OK, that’s a lie. We do not apologize for hitting on you. We love hitting on you. We dream about hitting on you on the regular. If given a chance, many of us would crawl over broken glass or any such similarly jagged and therefore painful surfaces to hit on you. These are just facts which like science and fresh-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip cookies cannot be denied.

What we apologize for is hitting on you in front of your husband. Bad form. As you told Harper’s Bazaar, women apparently hit on you all the time. Gay men, too. We’re tickled you find it flattering. But we’re a tad worried that your husband finds that so many of us hit on you “odd.” He has eyes, right? I mean, not to be mean (which, have you ever noticed, whenever something is prefaced by that what follows is undoubtedly incredibly, shamelessly mean?) he is also aware of all of our unending resentment at his very existence, right? Nothing personal, it’s just we resent anyone who gets to go home every night with the object of international lust and countless sweaty fever dreams.

I guess what I really wanted to say is thank you for being flattered, we’ll try to hold off on the flirting in front of your husband and, dude, just sit back and enjoy it. You’re married to Christina Hendricks. You lucky fucking bastard.

Cheers,
Ms. Snarker

p.s. There was also that one time Christina did this on “Without a Trace.” So now, well, I hope you can understand where all those sweaty dreams are coming from.

SGALGG & GGALGG: Emmys Edition

Wow, thems were some gay Emmys. Yes, indeedy. From Jane Lynch to “Modern Family” to that all-singing, all-spectacular Gleetastic opening number, the show was a merry and gay affair. Now, digesting the full magnitude of a major award show always takes me two days. The first day is to go over the nuts and bolts of who won this and who said that. Then the second day I can just sit back and devour the pretty. And, kittens, there was so much pretty. Let’s start with the gay gals and their lady loves (sorry, I can’t say lovers – to quote my favorite Emmy loser Tina Fey, “that word bums me out unless it’s between the words ‘meat’ and ‘pizza.’”) and then we’ll progress to the straight gals. But no matter where they stood on the Kinsey Scale, a whole lotta ladies were acting like gay gals at the Emmys. Can you blame them, I mean, we are pretty awesome.

GGALGG

Jane Lynch & Lara EmbryThe love, it burns! I love them together. I love that Jane kissed Lara when she won. I love that she also said “I love you my wife, Lara” on stage. You want to know why gay marriage matters? This is why gay marriage matters. Love.
Wanda & Alex SykesThey look like a fresco of Greek goddesses painted onto an ancient wall somewhere being uncovered by an archeologist who thrills with each brush stroke as she carefully reveals their beauty from underneath centuries of earth and time. Sorry, let me amend that, a smoking hot fresco of Greek goddesses. Hot damn, those girls – and Alex and Wanda look good, too.
SGALGG

Tina Fey & Mariska HargitayThis is becoming like a thing between these two. It is like the mere sight of each other in sleek, sparkly gowns is too much for them to take and then that hand goes from firmly around the waist to, well, firmly everywhere. Maybe Mariska and Tina are the real-life Alex and Olivia. Ship that, people.
[Hat tip, Allegra!]

Sofia Vergara & Julie BowenIf you thought Mariska had a firm grip on Tina, check out Julie’s grip on Sofia . You’d need the Jaws of Life to get her hand off of her. Plus dude in the back is totally, “Hell, yeah.”

Claire Danes & Julia Ormond

Claire looks like she has had a bit too much champagne and has just whispered “Take me home” into Julia’s ear. Also, shoot Julia, where have you been hiding all that gorgeous these last few years?

Christina Hendricks & January JonesI want to say something terribly witty about how they look together, but I’ve forgotten how to form words.

Toni Collette & Julia Louis DreyfusI like to think that the Emmy losers console each other backstage. And by “console,” I mean “make out.”

Padma Lakshmi & Gail SimmonsWhen people say food porn, this is what they’re picturing.

Heather Morris & Naya Rivera

Brittana, you’ve got me wrapped around whichever finger you want to use in whatever situation you feel like using it. Ahem.

Mariana Klaveno, Kristin Bauer & Anna PaquinThe Bill-Sookie-Eric sandwich isn’t the only threesome worth talking about on “True Blood.” Not by a long shot.

Amy Poehler, Aubrey Plaza & Tina FeySpeaking of threesomes, gay sexy vampires aren’t the only ones who look good having them. Let’s make this “30 Rock” meets “Parks and Recreation” very special crossover happen.

Archie Panjabi & the Emmy statuetteShe is going to take it behind the garage door and get it pregnant, Tracy Jordan style.

Bonus I: Best. Emmy. Picture. Ever.Tina Fey, Amy Poehler & Jon Hamm dancing their asses off. I’ll be honest, that’s a threesome I could totally get behind, too.

Bonus II: Best. Tina. Video. Ever.
After dancing her ass off with Amy and Jon while downing what I can only assume was copious amounts of champagne, Tina goes to find her limo. God, that giggle. That hair.

What it looks like when New York gets drunk, y’all. Suck it, nerds!